“God. We aren’t sure you exist, although you’ve shown us. Why else would we be talking to you? There’s a far more important question to ask, however, and that is this: was the golden calf in Exodus an actual golden calf, or was it a baby cow grass fed on Egyptian barley, free-roaming in all of its glory? We ask because Kobe beef is good and all, but if we could taste the manna of beef – the beef of the golden calf, that is – we could die happy and serve penance here or temporarily in our Holy Father Rob Bell’s definition of an existential ‘hereafter.’ It’s really up for debate on that last point, but you’d be in the wrong to argue. Also, we’re interested in a management position in heaven – or some semblance of the perfect place à la the PNW – but we don’t have any experience. We were wondering if there was room in the Trinity? I have an as-of-yet undefined dietary sensitivity so I understand the humility involved with sacrificing my comfort in spite of the things I love. Get back to us when you’re free, preferably over DM as texting just isn’t a good way to reach us anymore. Actually, you should probably not try to reach us at all. We changed the definition of God. You don’t fit the mold any longer. I’m sorry but we have to unfollow you. You just don’t fit into our self-determined idea of what a ‘diety’ should look or act like. Love isn’t sacrifice, it’s agreeing with me whenever I get upset.
You told us we were special once, beautifully and wonderfully made, but the problem is that I wasn’t made as beautiful or wonderful as my friend that I’ve never met on Tribulagram. You lied and I just can’t worship a liar, even if you happened to create the coffee bean. A good pour over is not worth allowing you to pour into me. Plus, I only want a gender of my devising inside of me, not one who created only men in His own image. I mean, how dare you act like we were the reason you ‘created’ the universe? My friend Sha-a says that creation is only for real creators like Lana Del Rey-Kardashian, and I believe her. She’s cohabitating with a Hindu Buddhist Christian Guru. So, no ‘god,’ you don’t have our praise, you have our shade and we are throwing it lit. Now kneel. We overtook our earthly authority with circular logic and we just stripped you of yours. The next time you try to send a sacrifice, we will stare blankly into our screens and type, ‘who dis?'”